How You'll Know if Your Boss is a Bully
"I would rather be a little nobody, then to be an evil somebody."
― Abraham Lincoln
Nothing is harder than that dreadful Sunday evening feeling when you're heading into work the next morning and trying to cope with a Boss who is a Bully. Though it matters little if you're a victim, you're not alone. It is estimated that 40% of the workforce experience it at some point in their careers.
This short article is not prescriptive or promising solutions of perfect lives. No, it is to help you understand if your Boss is a Bully and through understanding, hopefully 3 things will happen.
(1) You will understand that their desire to control has nothing to do with you. It is their need because of the unusual wiring that exists (for whatever reason) in their make-up.
(2) By understanding this dreadful affliction you may find yourself better equipped to act and deal with it. Once confronted, Bullies are usually not the powerhouse they would like you believe they are
(3) Finally, if you are unfortunate enough to be the victim of a Bully, do not suffer in silence, get help. Bullying is not 'normal'. Most importantly, it is unreasonable, unacceptable and absolutely nowhere in your contract does it say you will accept it.
What makes a Bully and what are the classic signs to look out for?
Threats
Bullies tend to operate on the edge of acceptability both legally and in behaviour. The common thread that runs through every form of bullying is that it is based on 'a threat'. The threat may be unsaid, body language, hostile eye contact, written, reputational, hidden or more. It is usually about 'what might happen' rather than what is happening. They always anchor their threat in what might or will happen.
Control
At the heart of every Bully is the need or desire to control. It is their desire to dominate and suppress. They do so to feed a deeply dissatisfied 'self' and do not have much empathy for the hurt or feelings of others. Like the unquenchable thirst, they cannot be satisfied. They are addicted to repetitive patterns that temporarily satisfy their lust. But don't rush to judgement either, there are reasons and these need to be considered too.
Seeks Out Easy Targets
You won't often find a Bully taking on a strong, confident and well respected figure. Why? Because they fear losing. For them, nothing can be more humiliating than 'picking on the wrong person'.
A Lack of Empathy
Good people have empathy, think of the opposite? Those that cannot sense the feelings, hurt, happiness and emotions of fellow human beings have no ability to understand or relate to their fellow human being. 'Good' and empathy don't always manifest themselves in the right job either. Ask a medical student if they have ever come across a Medical professional, in practice, who was a Bully? You'll be surprised. Even the ultimate professional roles don't always have people with empathy.
Power
A bad Boss who is a Bully is usually highly skilled at abusing their power. It can be subtle, subliminal and well disguised, you know the type? Power is necessary because of their own deep inner conflict. It is at the root of self-image, self-esteem and more. They use power as a way of making themselves feel better by appearing superior. Psychologists have listed many common traits that are prevalent.
- Their culture.
- Their primary institutions and influences. Home, workplaces and social circles
- Social issues
- Family experience and environment
What Do I Do If My Boss is a Bully?
'The' most important point in all of this and the No. 1 goal is to protect your own health, physical and mental.
Make sure you understand the difference between being bullied and just feeling low or too concerned with office gossip or even what people might think about you. There is a difference and everything won't be down to The Bully.
Here are 10 things to think about.
- Address the Bully, when you see fit, and tell them you find their behaviour towards you upsetting and offensive.
- Be calm, clear and direct and ask them to stop.
- Start by realising you are not the cause but the victim.
- Is this a one off and out of character or is it a recurring pattern?
- Do not suffer in silence and put it down to something you do. It's not.
- Confront and acknowledge that it is a problem and, by itself, is unlikely to go away.
- Take time out and instantly if necessary
- Do not engage or respond, walk away
- Report it and seek expert advice. It is not your fault.
- Do not talk out of turn about these events. Remember, to make an allegation of bullying against another person is a very serious matter and cannot be taken likely.
"Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right."
― Theodore Roosevelt
